Paper Monitor
12:26 UK time, Monday, 30 April 2007
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor is preparing to evacuate. Monday's Daily Mail presents conclusive evidence that the UK is now, essentially, uninhabitable.
Page 1 - fat people to be denied surgery. Page 2 - 18-year-old princess of the realm snapped "tired" outside nightclub. Page 6 - home information packs will destroy property market. Page 8 - morning after pills handed out like sweeties to teenage girls at school. Page 10 - Billionaires are not paying their taxes. Page 18 - evil fortnightly bin collections sweeping country.
But perhaps most iniquitous of all is on page 7 - evil trading standards officers stop woman selling "Robin tarts" and "paradise slices" as they do not contain Robin meat or originate in paradise.
Richard Littlejohn picks up the theme on page 26 and 27 with an attack on health and safety officials who he mysteriously labels "elf 'n' safety".
The pull-out quote screams: "They'd rather kids sat around shopping centres - shooting up heroin, supping Special Brew and smoking dope - than play hopscotch."
The Sun is having more fun with things on this sunny Monday.
The subs have pulled off a gem as they label the "tired" royal "Princess Beertricks" and they show memorable flair for brevity when they reduce the story on operations for the overweight to three paragraphs with the headline "Fatties' op ban 'is fair'".
Over in the Daily Express there is an update on Prince William's progress as a singleton, suggesting that Holly Branson, the Virgin heiress, could be a potential future girlfriend. Story allows picture of said heiress's dramatic décolletage. Story also says prince was drinking £100 Treasure Chest cocktails. A quick Google reveals these to be "a potent combination of brandy and peach liqueur topped with a bottle of champagne and served in a wooden chest".
In the Times there is a return to the old voice with a short piece on the latest celebrity designer clothes collection. "An undignified scramble is expected when the Kate Moss collection goes on sale tonight."
Paper Monitor feels suitably warned.
The 
