If Real People Spoke Like Radio People
One of the things that drives me crazy about radio is the reliance on a peculiar kind of language that, were you to employ it in the real world, would earn you a good slap about the face. In this radio world people don't attempt things, they make "a bid" and no one asks for anything when they can "urge" it. There are no hills, just "higher ground". People don't kick balls, they display their "footwork". Statements are made and then attributed afterwards...and every question must be answered without ambiguity.
Given that all my previous efforts to rid the airwaves of this nonsense have failed, I must now resort to ridicule. I ask you, therefore, to imagine the following real-world situations translated into radio-speak.
1. The Wedding
We are gathered here today in a bid to join this man and this woman. That's the claim of a local churchman who's urging eyewitnesses to come forward immediately if they want to object.
2. At The Bus Stop
Real Person: A bit chilly tonight, eh?
Radio Guy: Yes, temperatures well below average for the time of year and it looks like more of the same for the next few days. But by Tuesday we can expect to see those winds pick up and don't be surprised if there's a touch of snow on higher ground.
Real Person: eh...I think I'll just walk home.
3. In The Pub
It's Billy with the lager, he passes to Graham but, oh, that's badly mis-timed and it's picked up by Craig...he keeps possession and moves forward, looking for space on his right but no, he moves to the left and takes his chance and yes, it's a brilliant bit of footwork and he's found the Snug. No, it's a corner.
4. First Date
Him: Thanks for joining me tonight.
Her: My pleasure
Him: Can I begin by asking you to clarify something. Some of your closest friends are suggesting you're a fan of Spielberg movies. Do you deny that?
Her: Which friends?
Him: Well I'm not going to reveal my sources but can you answer the question?
Her: Well I like all sorts of movies...
Him: It's a straightforward question...why can't you give me a straight answer?
Her: Because, if you'd let me finish, I was trying to tell you that I like movies by Hitchcock, Tarantino..
Him: And Spielberg? Yes or No?
Her: Look, I'm trying to tell you...
Him: One last time. Yes or No?
Her: It's not as simple as that.
Him: Well that's all we have time for. Drink up and we'll go for something to eat. It's being claimed tonight that you prefer Italian food. True or false?
Her: Well...
