JZ's Diary
Head of 成人快手 Radio Scotland, Jeff Zycinski, with a sneak preview of programme plans and a behind-the-scenes glimpse of his life at the helm.
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Predicting The Past
I think it was the Romans who believed that the Gods would hide their intentions within the entrails of birds. Soothsayers were employed to cut open hapless doves and interpret the future by fingering through their stomachs. That's enough to put you off chicken dinners for life.
We in radio, on the other hand, find ourselves, every three months, trying to predict what's happened in the past. Four times a year we get a glimpse of the official RAJAR audience figures. The figures released tonight will be published tomorrow morning.
They tell us what listeners were doing three months ago. Tonight's figures, for example, will cover the three month period leading up to the middle of December.
So, around the U.K., radio station managers will be ploughing through charts and trying to remember which programmes are to be praised or blamed for the rise or fall in audiences.
All will be revealed tomorrow!
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A Mug's Game
My P.A. Joanne returned to work after Christmas determined to do her bit for the environment. That means, of course, that I get roped in to this idealism. Not content that I'm already exchanging my car for a push-bike Jo has now decreed that we should no longer use those styrofoam cups for our morning coffee, afternoon tea and evening cocoa. OK, we don't work late enough to have cocoa, but you get the idea. Jo says we now have to use real mugs and then - wait for it -wash them afterwards.
I pointed out that the amount of detergent we'll then pour into the Moray Firth will probably kill off all the dolphins. Not that I had any scientific evidence for this theory, but it's always good to introduce the prospect of dead dolphins into any argument you're in danger of losing.
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Socks Scandal
Another fantastic night at the City Halls in Glasgow as Gaelic singer Catriona Watt won the competition. For the first time we decided to transmit the whole event live on radio. Everything went smoothly and the performances from all six finalists were terrific.
I was on stage at the start of the night to make a few remarks about what will be happening on radio, television and online as part of Scotland's Music 07. I then handed over to Jack McConnell who later told me that , as a small boy, had he played the accordion. The look of frustration on his face told its own story. He admitted that he had never really mastered the instrument. I reminded him that the event was live on the radio and that if we had time to fill I could invite him on to the stage, hand him an accordion and see if he could give us a tune. I'm sure I saw a glimmer of fear in his eyes.
Anyway, I made my speech and thought I'd got away with it. Then came the interval and a tap on my shoulder from my boss Maggie Cunningham.
"Your trouser leg, " she whispered, "is tucked in to your sock."
You see this is what happens when you drive from Inverness to Glasgow and decide to get changed in the toilets of the . I sorted my wardrobe malfunction with the kind of subtle movement I usually reserve for singing the Hokey-Cokey. I then became obsessed with my socks. At the end of the night I was invited back on stage to open the golden envelope and reveal the winner's name.
Of course I climbed the steps on the stage while shaking each leg like a mad Freemason.
"And the winner is.....Catriona Watt."
All eyes turned to Catriona who looked so shocked I thought she might keel over. Presenter Mary-Anne Kennedy told her she could have a minute or two to "get her act together". That she did and she impressed us all with two final songs.
As I shuffled off the stage I stole a glance at my shoes.
My laces were undone.
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Reel Life
At the staff meeting in Glasgow this morning I introduced an old friend. The "portable" UHER tape-recorder was the piece of kit that so many of us used when we began our careers in radio. A show of hands and confirmed that fact and there were even a teary eye or two as I talked about the good ol' days of radio. Then I pulled myself together and stopped sobbing.
The reason for this nostalgic interlude was linked to the 成人快手's imminent move to the new H.Q. at Pacific Quay in Glasgow and a discussion about the kind of technology we'll be using there.
The reel-to-reel tape recorders were phased out some time ago and replaced by various digital recorders such as DATMANS or MiniDisc machines. Now they, too, have had their day as we replace them with solid state digital machines, where the audio is recorded on to memory cards, similar to the ones you find in digital cameras.
Not that the old UHERs were so good. They weighed more than a bag of tatties and you still find reporters who lean to one side because of they had to carry those machines on a shoulder strap for so many years. They also had a tendency to lose their battery charge in cold weather and you could only record fifteen minutes of audio on to each reel of tape. That tape always ran out just as the person you were intervieviewing was giving you a scoop.
Well, that used to be my excuse anyway.
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House Music
About fourteen months ago, eight songwriters were invited to a house near Castle Douglas and were told to pair off with different partners every morning and evening. All they had to do next was write a song and over the course of four days they did just that. In fact, between them, they composed more than twenty original pieces of music.
It was all part of the initiative and tonight at the City Halls in Glasgow I went along to hear those same songwriters perform the work they had created in that hot-house environment.
Among them was my old friend and former colleague Davie Scott who, it turned out, had been dubbed Calamity Dave by his fellow housemates after a series of clumsy mishaps.
And the "hothouse" description wasn't really accurate. Apparently the house suffered from poor heating and many of the song lyrics concerned themselves with low temperatures and cold nights away from loved ones.
But it was a terrific night. The music was fantastic and augmented by some very funny stories and wisecracks as each musician explained how they had created their various songs.
I was luckly enough to have been given a seat right in the front row, just along from the Culture Minister, Patricia Ferguson. I can reveal that she could be seen clapping enthusiastically and tapping her feet. I hope that doesn't cause some kind of scandal.
Meanwhile, out on Albion street, the 成人快手 Radio Scotland audio crew were crammed into our big Outside Broadcast truck, recording the whole event. During the interval I popped in to see them. Those trucks are like the opposite of the Tardis. They look huge on the outside, but you wouldn't book for a cat-swinging competition.
I went back into the hall for the second half of the show. The various stories of life inside the Burnsong House prompted comparisons with house.
"Yes it was just like, "said Davie Scott, "but without the racism."
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Vic's Taste Is So Yesterday
I made it into Edinburgh today in time to eat pizza with Vic Galloway and talk about his schedule for the coming year. He's had an incredible twelve months, with shows on 成人快手 Radio 1, 成人快手 Radio Scotland, 成人快手 Scotland television and D.J. gigs across Europe. I think the launch pad for all that activity was his appearance at the Big Weekend in Dundee last year. He went down a storm and has been in demand ever since.
Vic has a real he plays and is never afraid to argue the toss with his producer if he thinks a particular track isn't up to scratch. He also has a great sense of fun and mischief and seems equally comfortable talking to teenagers or, well, old Sinatra-loving cardigan-and-slippers folk like me. (Yes, that's what I got for my birthday...thanks for asking.)
Yet sometimes...just sometimes...Vic lets himself down and shows that he's just not keeping up with the trends. Like today in the pizza place when he scanned the menu looking for his favourite Neapolitan thin-crust.
"We don't have that on the menu anymore," the young waitress explained, giving him the kind of look she reserves for people who still talk about pounds, shillings and pence, "there's just no demand for it these days."
I chose the Four Seasons pizza. Boring, I know, but always popular . Just like ol' blue eyes.
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Radio Romance
So we're almost ready to begin our Write Here, Right Now campaign. We're hoping hundreds of listeners will join in the fun and attempt to write their own romantic novel during the month of February. Our promotions producer, Ken Lindsay, has made a trail which was described by Fred MacAulay this morning as having "Hollywood all over it". I had to agree.
The too, have given some to the project and Write Here, Right Now producer, David Stenhouse, appeared on the Radio Cafe last week to list all the professional authors who have agreed to support listeners with daily e-mails.
Of course all this assumes that 成人快手 Radio Scotland listeners are a romantic lot. I'm sure that's true but I laughed out loud when reading Scott Adam's a few days ago. He asked his readers to tell them about romantic gestures they had made for their spouses or partners.
He rightly pointed out that many of the things we claim as romantic turn out to be a little selfish. Taking the day off work to surprise your wife, for example, doesn't require too much hard work or special effort.
Mind you, some people just don't know how to appreciate romantic gestures. A few months after I married Mrs Z (who was previously known as Miss T ) I took her on a surprise trip to Paris. At that time we had just moved in to our new home in Selkirk and I felt we were getting bogged down with interor decorating and trying to tidy up a garden that resembled the location of an old Tarzan movie.
So there we were, siiting in a Parisian pavement cafe and I suggested to Mrs Z that I might buy her some lovely necklace or bauble that would always remind us of this romantic weekend.
"Tell me what you'd like", I said, after several glasses of Claret, "anything at all."
"Well...there is one thing..."
"Just tell me, " I insisted, "name it and it shall be yours!"
"But it might be cheaper at home.."
"Hang the expense! What trinket shall it be? A ring? A bracelet?"
"No," she said, "I'd like a strimmer for the garden. But they're on sale at the DIY shop in Galashiels. Let's get it there."
That's what you call a cutting remark.
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Slip Sliding Away
A curious mathematical realisation struck me this morning. Yesterday I was exactly half the age of my Father, but today I'm gaining on him rapidly. Still, forty-four sounds quite snappy. Next year I'll be forty-five and that just sounds like the speed of an old vinyl single or half-time at a football match.
Speaking of which, there was much delight in the Zed household yesterday after Inverness Caley's three-nil defeat of Hibs. My son came home from the match chanting "easy, easy". His happiness increased later the day as he watched the snow fall over the town. He's been longing for this since the day he blew his Christmas money on a bright plastic sledge from the local garden centre.
"This day just gets better and better!" he exclaimed.
It doesn't take much to please an nine-year old boy. Or a forty-four year old boy, for that matter.
Even if it is downhill from here.
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Radio That's Right Up Your Street
I read this morning that another fifteen groups acrosss have applied for community radio . I see that as good news for listeners. Imagine have an ultra-local radio station that is run for by the people in a particular town or village. Apart from anything else it's a great opportunity to develop local talent and give people the skills that might set them on course for a full-time career in broadcasting.
Not everyone agrees with that point of view. Some "industry professionals" can be a bit sniffy about this kind of broadcasting. Others see it as a threat to their own audiences and profits.
I take the view that community radio is something that should be nurtured and encouraged. For the past few years 成人快手 Radio Scotland has been involved with communty radio in a number of ways. Mostly we've offered support, advice and training. Some of our programme-makers have gone on attachment to certain stations. Some community stations ask us for technical advice.
Last Friday I managed to skip out between movng house to attend the annual conference of the . The federaton delegates had gathered in Highland Council's H.Q. in Inverness and the conference was taking place the actual council chamber.
Also in attendace was my 成人快手 Radio Scotland colleague Tony Currie who was talking about his own digital radio station, .
Radio people - no matter where they come from or which kind of station they work for -tend to share the same concerns and enthusiasms. Sometimes it's useful to get together to compare notes and tell war stories about various technical calamities or great ideas that bt the dust.
After all, radio is one of the few industries where it's legitimate to like the sound of your own voice.
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Happy Days in Kingussie
At eleven o'clock this morning, producer Deirdre Leitch threw me a crisp XXL 成人快手 Radio Scotland t-shirt and told me to get in the car. We were heading for Kingussie High School for another radio skills workshop for pupils.
It was a real winter wonderland in that area, but the snow wasn't falling, the sky was bright and the roads were clear.Neither of us pretend to be experts in secondary education, but we have our own method of judging the quality of a school. We awards top marks to any school where we get offered a cup of tea within fifteen minutes of our arrival. Kingussie High School got extra points because the cuppa was delivered within five minutes as well as an entire packet of bourbon biscuits.
Not that we needed either. Having arrived in the town far too early, we paid a sneaky visit to the Happy Days Cafe. The board outside had made the bold promise of "Seattle's best coffee". It must be good, I thought, if people come here all the way from Seattle.
Mind you, given the name of the cafe, I was disappointed not to have encountered photographs of The Fonz or the entire Cunnningham family. I followed Deirdre over to a booth by the window and pointed to the seat.
"Sit on it,." I said,pointing both thumbs skywards, but she didn't get the joke.
I must be getting old.
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Can You Dig It?
In Aberdeen this morning and a discussion about our new family history series Digging Up Your Roots. The series is attracting hundreds of calls and questions from listeners and I congratulated the presenter Claire White and her camera-shy producer Rhona Brudenell.
I suggested that Claire had a strong case for the 成人快手 Radio Scotland quote of the year (so far) when she proclaimed "who would have thought that dead relatives could be so much fun!"
It was interesting hearing what's being planned for the next four programmes. Apparently it's much easier to research family histories in Scotland compared with England and future programmes will look at Asian and Australian records too.
Meanwhile Claire and Rhona took me aside to give me all sorts of macabre details about the skeletons they've found in various family cupboards. They had tales of murder, witchcraft and scandal.
So much for happy families!
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Fireworks Over The Ness
The Highland 2007 celebrations got underway on Friday night and by all accounts fifteen thousand people braved the wind and rain to enjoy the party. I wasn't one of them, but we did see the fireworks display from our new house and then it was back to the task of opening boxes moving furniture and wondering what the removal men did with our pyjamas.
Speaking to friends who attended the Inverness street party, the whole thing seemed to have gone with a bang and apparently the pipers who skirled their way from balconies overlooking the Ness were most impressive.
Yet all of this seemed to have come as a surprise to some people in Inverness. I went for a haircut at lunchtime today and the salon owner told me she knew nothing about Highland 2007 and was quite disappointed to have missed Friday's event.
Our weekly Highland Cafe programme should do something to help promote awareness of this year-long festival. One aspect of that - our training of schoolchidren to become reporters for the programme - seems to have captured the imagination of the press. The Highland News had a feature piece on it last week as did this week's Sunday Post.
All in all, I think I've picked the right year to move north.
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A Fine Romance
We're just about to start running trails for this year's Write Here, Right Now campaign. Last February more than 800 would-be authors took up our challenge to write a novel. The idea was based on the American project which runs every November, but this year our Write Here, Right Now campaign is following the specific theme of romance.
Producer David Stenhouse tells me that a number of well-known authors have agreed to offer free e-mail advice to participants and that proved to be so popular last time around. In fact we've just heard that one of last year's novice novelists has such signed a deal with a publisher and has promised to acknowledge the support of 成人快手 Radio Scotland in her first book.
The theme of romance seems to have captured the imagination of some of our own presenters and I'm told that one or two manly figures from our sports team are considering penning their own love story. All will be revealed soon on The Radio Cafe.
I can tell you that Jenny Colgan, Isla Dewar, Janice Galloway and Meg Henderson will be offering hints, tips and encouragement throughout the month. Also Sue Ellen Welfonder, the author of 'Devil A Kilt'.
Be warned. Things could get steamy.
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Highland Humour
I was working late in the office tonight when I got a call from my colleague Gillian McNeil. She's developing a television programme about Highland humour and asked if she could pick my brains.
"It wont take long," she assured me. Hmmm.
So we got into a discussion about how Highlanders have been portayed in film, television and cartoon strips over the years. From Whisky Galore, through and Gregor Fisher's infamous Outer Hebrides Broadcasting Corporation. It was easy to think of things that has poked fun at Highland life, but we had more trouble coming up with names of actual Highlanders who had entered the comedy world, although I did mention Colin Campbell's famous sketches.
Then we started clutching at straws. Was Sir Harry Lauder's variety persona meant to be a caricature of a Highlander? Was Private Fraser ("we're all doomed") in Dad's Army supposed to be a dour Hebridean?
All suggestions welcome.
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The Best Dentist In The World
Not only did my new dentist give me good news about my teeth, he also owned up to being a big fan of 成人快手 Radio Scotland. Of course he told me this while Moray Firth Radio was blaring away in the background, but that, he explained, was all down to "the girls in the surgery."
So there he was, scraping away at my molars while he listed his likes and dislikes from our schedule. He enjoys the sport, Stuart & Tam, Bryan Burnett and John Beattie. He said a friend had recently tried to tempt him over to 成人快手 Radio 2, but he had resisted. Good man. All I could do was grunt my acknowledgements and try not to drown in my own saliva.
As for my toothache, it turned out to be a sinus problem brought on by my recent bad cold. He did spot a cracked filling and arranged for me to get that sorted in a couple of weeks.
As I made the appointment I told the receptionist that the date she had suggested was actually my 44th birthday.
"I'll make sure you get a balloon and a sticker," she said, deadpan.
I bet she forgets.
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Down In The Mouth
My first full day back in the office, but for a change I haven't spent the day answering e-mails. Over the Christmas break I was able to log on from time-to-time so I've already cleared most of the urgent queries. The rest is mostly spam, although I am trempted by that offer to consolidate all my small debts into one easy-to-lose-sleep-over monthly payment.
In the Inverness production office today I met Bruce McGregor, founding member of Blazin' Fiddles and the first presenter of our new Highland Cafe programme which takes to the airwaves this week. Friday, you see, is the ancient and traditional New Year's Day in this part of Scotland and is also the launch date for the Highland 2007 year of culture.
It should be fun and, had I not been moving house again, I'd have been joining the throng at the big street party in the evening.
I feel I've been cheated of this year's fesitivities. A stomach bug gave way to a bad cold and has now given way to a nagging toothace. Try finding a dentist in Inverness, if you please. My first offer of an emergency appointment this morning was "next Monday afternoon". I bashed the phones for an hour before I could persuade someone to take me on their books.
So that's what I'm doing for fun tomorrow morning.
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It's Time To Hit The Roof
Diary reader Scott McFarlane contacted me on Friday with an idea for a radio programme. He'd spotted a news story about the discovery of a locked room in a museum and how the contents within had lain forgotten for years. Scott tells me that he did a quick internet search and it seems this kind of thing is not uncommon. He wonders if a radio series on secret or forgotten rooms would capture the imagination of the audience.
"I know for the listener it will be excitement as it's opened and the contents described - and the story that goes behind the reason why it has remained hidden."
I think he's on to something there. The recent refurbishment of the City Halls in Glasgow, for example, unearthed a pretty big "secret room" which has now been transformed into a performance space for chamber music. I'm not sure why the room had been blocked off, but I aim to find out.
I admit to being personally intrigued by this whole notion of locked rooms and attic treasures because I'm in the middle of sorting out the roof-space junk we brought with us from Glasgow and then swiftly stored in the loft of our rented house in Inverness. That junk is on the move again because we have finally been given the keys to our newly built home. We plan to move in just as soon as we can find a removal company that will answer our calls.
So what treasures did I find nestling betwixt our roofbeams? Ah well, from my teenage years, there was my beautifully filed and indexed letters to my Greek pen-pal which petered out as she developed a obsession with the forthcoming marriage of Charles & Diana and finally stopped when I sent her an early draft of my stage-play about life in a colliery wages office. It was entitled Terminations and for all I know she may have stolen the idea and had a smash hit in Athens.
Then there was my 1974 first edition of Warlord comic which I had the foresight to preserve in a thick plastic folder. It's complete with the original 'Medals of Valour' cardboard album. That too would have been in mint condition had I not decided it was a good idea to stick the foil medals onto the carboard using Tate & Lyle Golden Syrup instead of glue. I remember thinking that it would eventually dry out but hey, 32 years later, and it's still tacky. Give it time eh?
Oh and there was also a little audio cassette dated Christmas 1984 on which I have recorded a breathless and banal commentary as I joined two of my student pals on a pub crawl across Glasgow. We appear to be looking for some female students who had arranged to meet us in "a pub" but, for obvious reasons, have stood us up. Well can you really imagine any girls saying "hey let's meet up with Jeff and his mates...if we're lucky he'll have that tape recorder with him."?
So that's what was in my attic. How about you?
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Leaving Queen Margaret Drive
I'm on the radio today, presenting a programme about the history of the 成人快手's Glasgow H.Q. at Queen Margaret Drive. It was produced by Debbie McPhail who led me around the nooks and crannies of the building a few weeks ago and recorded my descriptions of the various rooms and secret courtyards.
We event ventured into the notorious basement area which was once used as a morgue in the days when the building housed a medical school. As we made our way along a tiled passage towards a huge wooden door, I explained to Debbie that this was the place where the bodies would be picked up a horse-drawn hearse.
Then I paused, gasped and with a quivering finger , pointed to something on the wall behind her. Debbie turned and let out the tiniest little scream. Then she turned back to look at my sniggering face.
If looks could kill!
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Happy New Year
As the storms sweeping Scotland forced the cancellation of so many outdoor Hogmanay celebrations, Bryan Burnett proclaimed that the 成人快手 Radio Scotland event was the "best party in town". It certainly sounded that way as I listened to Bryan, Vic Galloway and Robbie Shepherd led the countdown to midnight. It was another little piece of history for us, because this would be the last time we'd have a Hogmanay programme from the big Studio 1 venue at Queen Margaret Drive in Glasgow. Next year the Glasgow staff will al be at our new H.Q. at Pacific Quay.
As for me, I spent Hogmanay alone, wrapped in a duvet and clutching a hot water bottle. A stomach bug which has been working its way through the Zed family since last week finally hit me. I tried to soldier on and joined the rest of the clan at a friend's house where a lavish buffet had been laid on.
I couldn't touch any of it and by ten o'clock I had to admit defeat and return home.
But thanks to Vic, Robbie and Bryan I did feel I was at the party.
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- Jeff Zycinski, Head of Radio at 成人快手 Scotland, on the highs and lows of his work/life balancing act.
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