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"I am not one for dancing on the table. I am not a very good dancer."
Marseille manager Didier Deschamps keeps his feet on the ground after his side's Ligue 1 title success.

Make no cones about it - Ollie is at Wembley
"I'd rather do that than build chicken sheds no-one wanted!"
, having been out of football for a year, when he tried his hand at building hen houses.

"I work here four or five months and I think when you build a house you don't
start from the roof but the basement. We work very well, but we are near the
roof."
Roberto Mancini on his renovation of Manchester City.

"It was the boringest round to watch. I apologise to all the TV viewers."
Phil Mickelson says sorry to the public for his performance at the Players Championship, but should perhaps be directing his apologies to the Plain English Campaign.

"It was great to hear from him. He'll be getting my shirt but I won't be getting his sheepskin coat!"
Barnet striker Albert Adomah after getting a good luck message from celebrity fan John Motson before the game. The Bees beat Rochdale and stayed up.

"I'm more nervous than I was during the World Cup final."
Motty feels the pressure at Underhill.

"I didn't play with any of this South African team growing up. I'm a lot younger than them. They are all over the hill in that team!"
England's latest South African recruit, Craig Kieswetter, puts the boot into his countrymen.

"Wayne Rooney is the best striker in England. Well, he is the best English striker."
Didier Drogba pays Rooney a big compliment, followed by a medium-sized one.
(WRCC, UK)

"He's been one of the best centre backs/full backs for the past 12 decades."
Michael Owen discussing the merits of Jamie Carragher making the England squad.
(Andy Smith, UK)

"Webber has had the best weekend of his life, on top of his team-mate all weekend."
On Radio 5 live F1 coverage. Not sure Sebastian Vettel would have enjoyed it that much!
(Dave Harrington-Wright, Wales)

"My heart says Leicester, because I'm ex-Leicester and I love the place. But my head just favours Cardiff, because they have Championship players."
Steve Claridge on the Leicester-Cardiff play-off game. Don't they both have Championship players?!
(Michael Searle, Cardiff)
Coming on for Motherwell...
"All we need now is a unicorn to come on and scramble home an equaliser for the resurgent 'Well."
Thomas McGuigan comments on Motherwell's game with Hibs when the score was 6-5. Lucas 'Unicorn' Jutkiewicz promptly responded with the equaliser.
(Dave P, Macclesfield)

"Bradley Johnson's cross deceives the Rovers defence and Jermaine Pennant is in the right place to bury the loose ball for his 33rd goal of the season."
³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ live text on Saturday, as Jermaine Pennant flies in from Spain to help Leeds' promotion bid.
(John Matthews, UK)

"Dexter Blackstock only needs one more goal to finish with the most he's ever scored in a season. He's currently on 14, a total he's reached before."
Sky Sports commentator during the first leg of the Blackpool-Forest play-off.
(Cliff Watkinson, England)

"The wind coming off the North Sea today is going to make conditions difficult for both teams."
Uttered by the commentator during the Blackpool-Forest play-off game. Think his geography was a bit wrong.
(Allen McDermitt, UK)
He's right - it's the Irish Sea on that side - unless it was a particularly strong wind -Ed.

"Gomes is beaten all ends up by that shot. But he's not and he saves it."
Chris Kamara on Sky.
(Chris, UK)

"I am two-time Commonwealth champion, a two-time British champion, I beat Mike Tyson and fought for a world title. I have more British and Commonwealth title defences than the late Henry Cooper, so I've done all right."
Danny Williams on his pending retirement. Blimey. Is our 'Enry dead?
(Theo, London)
Don't worry, folks - Sir 'Enry is alive and well - Ed.

"The boss just said 'If you win tonight you'll be immortal for the rest of your lives'."
Rangers legend Derek Johnstone on a TV programme about Rangers' 1972 Cup Winners' Cup victory, when asked about the pre-match team-talk.
(Gerry Creechan, Scotland)

"So we knew if we scored, and kept a clean sheet, we would win the game."
Oxford United striker James Constable following United's 2-0 play off victory over Rushden & Diamonds.
(Martin Watkins, England)

Q. "Do you feel sometimes like you want to be inconspicuous, or do you like your popularity?"
Andrey Arshavin: "Yes, I would like to become an owner of a magic hat that makes you invisible."
Arshavin's been at it again on his website!
(Dovi Brom, South Africa)

"We'll have to take it on the chin. It's a real body blow."
Barry Hearn shows off his knowledge of anatomy on 5 live, talking about the betting allegations against John Higgins.
(Mike James, UK)

"Pietersen is on the charge and on the pull!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd while commentating on the England-Pakistan T20 match. Watch out ladies!
(Ellie, England)
Think the only thing KP will be pulling for the next year is dirty nappies off his baby boy - Ed.
Altogether now...tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
John Champion: "Looks like some fans have come to this game dressed as Martians."
Joe Royle: "I think they are dressed as Smurfs, actually."
John Champion: "It's quite sad you know that, Joe."
ESPN commentators at the Arsenal-Blackburn game, when three Blackburn fans dressed as Smurfs were seen walking to their seats.
(DMX-170)

"Great cross from Walcott, but Carlos Vela Berbatoved it."
Commentary on Fox Soccer Channel when Vela missed an open goal.
(Libby Curran, USA)

"I am a prima donna, and diplomacy has no place in my house."
Antonio Cassano explains why he will reject a World Cup call-up by Marcello Lippi (he is getting married in the summer).
(SimplyZola)

"Next season, I'd like to be standing here and offering you a drink, but as it is, the cupboard's bare, and all I can do is offer you a cup of tea."
Colchester boss Aidy Boothroyd to ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Essex reporter, after a disappointing end to the season.

And...

"Robbie Cowling (the Chairman) doesn't have a golden goose, so you might see me busking outside Woolworths in Colchester!"
Boothroyd on the prospects of signing loanee Kevin Lisbie.
(completeuttermadnessCUFC)
Woolworths?! Ed

"You could say Watson's contribution has been elementary."
Mark Lawrenson talking about Wigan's Ben Watson on 5 live, during their 8-0 defeat to Chelsea.
(Yellows)

"You're getting sacked in the morning!"
Stoke fans to Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford after hearing news of the goal-fest at Stamford Bridge.

"Can we play you every week?"
Blackpool fans after winning at Forest to book their spot in the play-off finals.

"You have no history."
The Anfield faithful taunt Chelsea fans.

"You're ancient history!"
Chelsea fans respond.
(Steve Cohen, UK, and Zell)

"We've saved your history!"
Chelsea fans after winning 2-0 at Anfield, virtually guaranteeing that Man Utd would not overhaul Liverpool's league titles record.
(Chris Gill, UK)
You can take the man out of the Hammers...
"Tevez loves us more than you!"
West Ham fans after Carlos Tevez did an 'Irons' sign with his arms during the Man City game.
(Wurzel, UK)

Cardiff fans: "There's only one team in Wales!"
Derby fans: "Wrexham! Wrexham! Wrexham!"

Cardiff fans: "You're in the shadow of the Forest."
Derby fans: "You're in the shadow of the Wrexham!"
Banter at Pride Park.
(Gemma, Derby)

"Ten more, we only want 10 more!"
Hull City fans after scoring at Wigan, needing two massive wins at the end of the season to avoid relegation.
(Joe, England)

"Twelve more, we only want 12 more!"
Hull City fans not giving up hope in the 2-2 draw at Wigan.
(Dave Alden, UK)
So how many did they need? Not that it matters now, of course - Ed.

"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when. But I know we'll meet again some sunny day."
Hull City fans at their last Premier League away match at Wigan.
(Dave Alden, UK)

"If you can't get a bird, get a drum!"
Hull City fans to the Wigan drummer at the DW Stadium.
(Dave Alden, UK)

"Rich Brodie, Brodie
He's not got much hair, you see,
But he's got us to Wembley,
Rich Brodie, Brodie."
York fans in homage to star striker Richard Brodie after the second leg of the Luton-York play-off semi-final.
(rocknrollnobody)

"We're rich and we're going down!"
Burnley fans during the game against Birmingham. Good that we still have a sense of humour, I guess.
(Col029)
Are Burnley that rich? Ed.

"We've still got a job!"
Me and my fellow staff at Barnet, after the club beat Rochdale to avoid relegation which would probably have led to job cuts.
(Kenny Lomas, England)

"Chants of the week, you're having a laugh!"
Tonbridge Baseball Club fans express their surprise at being included in the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Chants of the Week section a couple of weeks ago, during Tonbridge's defeat by Guildford Mavericks.
(Steven, England)
Happy to be of service! Ed.

"Operation Goodison, exercise commence."
Tannoy announcement at Everton v Portsmouth on Sunday. All the Pompey fans immediately started doing star jumps! Pompey fans will be missed!
(Harty, England)

"Can you please leave the field of play and return to the stands...
Can you please leave the field of play and return to the...
...look, I'm dying for a wee and I want to go home, so please just leave the field!"
Stadium announcer at Accrington Stanley's Crown Ground following a pitch invasion after their final home game of the season against Chesterfield.
(Rodge, Accrington)

"We may not be champions, but we can cook risotto."
Carlisle fans at Delia Smith's Norwich.
(JJ, England)

"AFC Bournemouth 1, Football League 0."
Shown at Dean Court after AFC Bournemouth were promoted, despite a 16-month transfer embargo and 27 points deducted over the last three years.
(Adrian, UK)

"Rhinos' Burrow Out For 12 Weeks."
From the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Sport RSS Feed. I didn't know Rhinos could dig!
(Jim, England)
Nor did I - although I do dig rhinos - Ed.

This is the last Quotes of the Week this year and, sadly, it will not be returning next season. Thanks for all your comments over the past nine years - I couldn't have done it without you. I'll be signing off with the traditional Chants of the Season next week.

And as I will be conveying them via the medium of Twitter from now on. So if you haven't done so already, and be prepared for a load of old nonsense.