³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ

OUTRAGE NO.1 - WHERE THE HELL IS JAMELIA?

You've no idea how annoying this is. Jamelia's 'Beware Of The Dog' is one of the best pop records ever made. It might not be THE best pop record ever made, but it definitely scores massively over most of the songs in the Top 40 at present. Or at least it would do if more people had actually bothered to buy it.

C'mon, seriously, NO.34? On downloads alone? What happened? Did everyone suddenly forget to wash their taste-glands after listening to too much Panic! At The Disco? Was the weather really so bad in your bedrooms last week that you couldn't get to the virtual shops?

You've got one week to make this right now the record is in the shops. You've already let poor Alesha down in her hour of need by failing to buy the frankly astonishing 'Knockdown' in any quantity whatsoever. Are you about to do the same to another one of our finest lady popstrels? Are you, a music-liking person, happy to let the glorious Top 10 be overrun by former popstars, hand-holding double-headed rap&B twosomes, and the Fratellis? EH?

Oh. Clearly you are. Well, here's how wrong you are about that.

Read the review

OUTRAGE NO.2 - WE ARE NOT A-MUSE-D

Surely we've all agreed that Muse are good now? OK, so they're not sexy, even when they sound funked-up, like in 'Supermassive Black Hole', the very fact that they called their sexiest moment to date something as unsexy as 'Supermassive Black Hole' is a sure indicator as to the lack of sexy we are dealing with here.

You could even say they displayed a supermassive lack of sexy, but then you run the risk of doing likewise, so it's probably best to just sort of giggle and bat your eyelashes a lot.

Even so, what on earth is the planet-sized (hee-hee! *simpers*) rock behemoth 'Knights Of Cydonia' (*eyebat* *eyebat*) doing at No.10? Surely a song as ridiculously overblown as this needs to be either at the VERY PINNACLE of ALL THAT IS CHART or it needs to CRASH AND BURN, and then HURTLE FROM THE SKIES, like ICARUS in the VERY EXCITING STORY OF THE MYTH OF ICARUS...

...er...

hee! hee! hee! *headtilt* Oh YOU! *flock of eyebats*

No.10 is the chart equivalent of turning up at your best friend's birthday party, only for them to turn around and say "Oh! I didn't realise YOU were coming. It's so nice to see you!". On the one hand, it's nice that they're pleased, but on the other, you wonder why you made the effort to buy new shoes just for the occasion.

And, if 'Knights Of Cydonia' were new shoes, they would be the most amazingly modern and enormously huge shoes you have ever seen. And they would have special features, like a swiss army knife, a fold-away skateboard, a cappucino-maker which uses moon-froth instead of milk-froth, a fold-out bed, and jet-propulsion. And they would change colour to suit your mood. And be round-toed or pointy-toed, depending on who you wanted to kick.

So that's why it's an outrage. I just hope you're all proud of yourselves...

Read the review