10 Hints That It's The End Of The World...Already!
1: The AntiChrist Is Risen 
Actually, in these days of focus groups and people power, it takes longer to agree on who Satan might be than to simply acknowledge the fact that he's definitely here, and move on. You can name and number your own beast from an extensive list which includes Bush, Bin Laden, Blair, Saddam, and the people behind the singing Halifax ads (Big Brovaz? Mortgages? Boy you're really TALKING to THE KIDS now...). Mind you, the most obvious candidate for the post of leathery, cloven-hooved, horned beast who speaks with a forked tongue would surely be Gareth Gates (although we might not spell it 'forked'). So maybe his influence perhaps not as big as everyone said it was. And if you don't believe Gareth could be Beelzebub, or one of his little imps, you've clearly never heard of his extended family, the Gates Of Hell...
2: A Plague Is Upon Us
Oh sure, they didn't have Reality TV back in ancient times when all the predictions were first predicted. But surely with most teenagers convincing themselves (and their parents) that all they have to do in order to secure that elusive ticket into fame’s business flight departure lounge is ‘follow the dream’ and ‘never give up’, it’s only a matter of time before all industry grinds to a halt and society ceases to function. And who will make Ant & Dec’s tiny little suits then, hmm?
3: The Millennium Is At Hand
Bearing in mind that the first few years of the current calendar system were worked out retrospectively (that means 'afterwards', word-divs) to tie in with the birth of someone who may yet turn out to have never existed, you’d be a fool to turn your back on the possibility that the year 2000 is actually tomorrow. Which means we’ll have to go round making all the aeroplanes, missiles and internet-ready toasters Y2K compliant all over again. Only we can’t because all of the acne-riddled techno-geeks are too busy putting on suits and croaking Westlife songs to Simon Cowell in an operatic style. See?
4: Global Warming: Nice Weather For Ducks
We don’t want to meet the kind of duck who would find any pleasure in trying to fight his way through an actual hurricane, like the one which Kanye West was cross with George Bush about. Nor, come to that, would anyone want to see what would happen if that selfsame duck attempted to fly through the kind of rainfall not seen on this planet since Mr Noah first advised his wife to get the washing in. He’d have to be considerably more than daffy, that’s for sure.
5: Armageddon Is Upon Us
Look about you, people, what do you see? A mentally-unbalanced toad with a motorbike license for his invisible steed? Six women dressed as harlots and singing with the voice of one woman? A walking dog with two gs? Robbie Williams making a half-decent album, even though it contains two of his most annoying musical bad habits, namely a) Robbie-rapping, or 'Ropping' and b) lots of songs about himself? OMG! Grab a loved one and get to a shelter, NOW!
6: The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
A bit like a less boring Take That, only Mark Owen has more teeth than Death. Luckily they already have quite descriptive names (War, Famine, etc), or the tabloids would end up referring to them as Scary Horseman, Hungry Horseman, Angry Horseman and Posh-tilence.
7: And The Lion Shall Lay Down With The Lamb
And then the lamb shall abandon all of her hard-won career aspirations in order to raise two lamb/lion hybrid children (technically they should be called 'limbs') in a beautiful and exclusive paddock, which the lion shall often manage to spoil by driving his fancy car all over like he was still a cub. And then suddenly the lamb and the lion shall lie down together no more. And then the lamb shall suddenly find pleasure in the company of other lambs, but forget to put any pants on...for THREE DAYS. If this is part of Satan’s grand scheme for the Earth no wonder his head was spinning in The Exorcist…
8: The Devil Has All The Best Tunes
A difficult one to prove these days. Once you could point to Eminem on one side and any school assembly hymn on the other and be sure to side with Satan’s songwriters. Now, the cherubim are singing Christian metalcore while Hell’s house-band (or Slipknot, as you and I know ‘em) are still doing Limp Bizkit covers. And you aetheists can stop looking so smug, purgatory must be an endless loop of ‘The Lady In Red’ sung by the real Chris de Burgh and the man who was him on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’, one in each ear. Sleep tight.
9: The Ten Commandments
Go on, name them all. You can’t, can you? So how do you know you aren’t breaking at least two of them right now? Just because your neighbour doesn’t seem to have an ass doesn’t mean you aren’t coveting it without even realising it. Oh, and there isn’t one about lying, being gay or playing with yourself, sorry.
10: Goin' Down To The Crossroads
If anyone is interested, it seems that the current rate of exchange for your eternal soul has dropped from becoming celebrated as the best guitar picker in the Mississippi delta to spending a year in a quite successful pop act, before splitting acrimoniously and getting married to a minor soap actor, only to have your hopes raised and dashed again when you come fourth on I'm A Celebrity because you couldn't keep a kangaroo's bumhole down. Seriously, even Starbucks pay better than that.
Comments
Hahaha, i'm actually full on cracking up at this. I somehow feel much of this isn't directed at the former "target audience" of the TOTP website. But who cares, I don't fit into the "target audience" anyway! I love this, you guys write some really good stuff on here. Taking all that into consideration, I'd better start acting busy...Jesus is coming!
Thanks Nick. I would say it's aimed at anyone who finds it funny! - Fraser
Yea right, the end of the world is thousands of years yet. Stop scaring little kids. Got nothing else to write about???