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Why? why me? this had always bothered me , but after Seth had died i found myself being transported back to the 'Nam in my sleep. Clear visions of the dense green jungles, sprouting up through the rotting brown vegetation which covers the ground there. The sounds of the screming children in the burnt out villages and the smell, that awful gasoline smell of the napalm mixed with burning flesh.
Seth had really been my lifeline, we'd been in basic together and served two tours. After our first in '68 we hadent felt at place in our own homes , the crazy fucking hellhole that was Vietnam kept calling us back until eventually we signed on. Our second tour had taken me to breaking point and Seth had had to bring me back, wether it was our often daily practice or smoking pot or just things we had seen i was loosing it out there. That was the worst thing though, knowing that my mind was going but still being concious about it.
Flashbacks started again a few weeks back, id been dosed up with pills i didnt even know what they were , half of them were probably placebos.The effects of PTS meant that several things could happen to me, at any time, sometimes if a car backfired i would see scenes of battle or think i was being ambused like had happened all the fucking time in 'Nam. I'd hit the ground and crawl for cover, sometimes when in the bar or mall. People would stare, teenagers would laugh. This is what you get for being sent to fight for your country , to be pissed on by your country when you get back and for the rest of your life.
I have never felt right scince 1970 when i had returned with one leg and a finger missing , both blown off of charlie's mines. I think a piece of me is still trapped there, a piece of me that died there, my hope and faith had quickly crumbled while being eaten alive by bugs and constantly being scared shitless.
I am classed as one of the lucky ones, who was not killed in his first fortnight in the bush. Lucky! ha! i consider myself an unlucky one who has to remember everything that happened there every soul destroying minute. i am hollow , the 'Nam took my emotions, scared me, chewed me up and spat me back out into the as mess i am today.
But hey as we used to say, 'it dont mean nothin!'