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This is the beginning of the rest of her life, forget everything she has been through or the things that she thinks she has gone through. Now is the time for change, for her to find her potential, do what she has to do to find her destiny.
In her heart she knows she is destined for higher things than she would like to care for. Something deep inside her longs to be in charge not in a bad way but in a helpful way, however something stands her way. HERSELF.
How can she help others when she cannot help even herself? Something is eating her, something that seems to be stronger than the might of the national army. In a way she lets it eat her because it has become her haven, she can't imagine herself without it because with it she can make excuses, she cannot feel anything, she does not have to have any friends because it keeps her fine, fine, her fine that is.
This need to cry overwhelms her, it comes unexpectedly at the most embarrassing of times, she wants to welcome it because in a way she hopes that she will feel alive again, that it will do something to her, it is something she wants and yet fear so much.
She has caused herself to believe that she does not want so much, that she is content with the way things are. SHE LIVES A LIE, nothing seems to be real, her life is taken over by the workings of her imaginations, the things she imagines are not good but they seem to make her want to live, at least they seem to help.
In her imaginations she can be anything except happy, the sadness is always lurking around the corner even when she has placed herself in the most beautiful of surroundings.
As she sits writing this she can feel something moving inside of her, the tears are just round the corner but not near enough for them to run down the skin of her face. She is crying inside, the pain so audible and yet so silent. She doesn't know how she feels, is that crazy? You would thinks she would know but she does not.

There are so many voices in her head its hard to know which one is hers and which belongs to the other persons. There is a lot of her, one person is adored by others, another people despise, another they want to be friends with and other parts of her that some wish they do not see. No one really knows her, she longs for someone to know her, to be able to tell that she is happy, telling a lie, need to be alone, need a hug or that she just wants to be. What you may ask but she is unable to tell you because even she does not know.
Why has she brought herself to this place, this place were NO HAPPINESS IS ALLOWED, was she ever happy? Where does she come from? She can't distinguish between her past and now.
It is hard to remember happy times if any ever existed at all. She is sure no one is always unhappy, there must have been a time when she was herself.
There is this ever present pain in all her body parts, the pain never leaves her, it is what greets her in the morning when she drags herself out of bed, when she forces herself to live a life that seems to be like torture. This torture were does it come from?
She has not been abused not in a way that some people have been. There seems to be no reason for this torture but it is present. She feels that she has been wronged, in her heart there is a hole that needs to be filled, a part of her is missing and yet what good is it going to do her if she fills this hole? Aren't something's better left unconquered, but she wants to conquer it. she knows it will hurt, that it will reap her apart, they will not be a part of her that will be left untouched but she wants to feel that excruciating pain until it destroys her, maybe then SHE WILL KNOW WHAT PAIN REALLY IS. This is the start of her journey in life.