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Thursday 7th February, 2008

Coming out. Out of the closet. Admitting the truth. Finding out about yourself. Whichever way you want to put it, it's admitting that you're gay, and it could be one of the stupidest things I'll ever do in my life'

But, there comes a time in every gay persons life where telling lies just doesn't cut it anymore. We've all been there. At school, out with mates and they ask you whether you think 'hot stuff' over there would look good naked. Sheepishly, I nod and reply with 'Yeah, pretty hot.' and they all smile. Really, the inner being of me wants to turn around and say 'No, I don't think she's hot. In fact, the mere thought of her even slightly naked repulses me!' I'm one hundred per cent sure they wouldn't be smiling then.

Why is it such a big deal? How does my gender preference have anything to do with you anyway? Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm going to jump on you, or any other guy for that fact, at the first given opportunity. Don't flatter yourself that much... There's an unfortunate stereotype that homosexuals are some kind of hormonal driven animal, incapable of feelings or commitment, and I can't help but disagree. In fact, it's the complete opposite. I think that I express my emotions more than most people I know.

Some of my school mates I expected it from, but my parents were something different. I take that back. My mum was supportive. But it was lucky I was sitting down when I told them, because my father's response would have knocked me off my feet.

'NO!' He yelled, face red with anger, which even made the dog jump.

'No?' I ask, completely perplexed. He didn't say anything at the time, but my mum told me I had to understand that just saying 'I'm gay' completely ruined every vision my dad had ever had for me. Family. Wedding. Everything out the window.

And I can understand that. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand it. But surely my dad should be more supportive. You wouldn't even begin to believe the amount of courage I had to muster to open the living room door where they were sitting, let alone muttering the words 'I need to talk to you.' The things that fly through your head before hand...

'What will they say?'
'Will they think any differently of me?'
'What if they disown me?'

Alright, in hindsight, the last one does seem a bit catastrophic, but at the time, it's hard to control the oncoming traffic of nonsense that buzzes in-between your ears, together with the huge knot that was in my throat. But my mum did make me laugh.

'You've just started a new journey...' she softly whispers in my ear. Erm' News Flash! I started this journey months, maybe years ago. And it was one heck of a journey that I was most definitely ill-prepared for. 'Don't worry. You're free now...'

Free? See, that's the funny thing about it all. When you come out, that's what you're supposed to be isn't it? Free. Free from having to live a lie again. Let me tell you why this is probably the biggest lie you will ever hear.

Well, to a certain extent, it's true. You do feel like a huge burden has been completely lifted off your shoulders. But this truth has some kind of twist to it. Take birds for example. When they keep themselves to themselves in their nests, closed away, they are fine, and protected. The second they spread their wings and soar off, free, that's when they are vulnerable to... well... anything. And it's no different for me.

So, my parents were my first 'hurdle', if you will. My mates were my second one, and this hurdle was three times the size of the first one. I knew how my family would react, because I just do, but with your friends, there's always that sense of uncertainty that lingers around in the back of your mind. Once again, I was pestered by these annoying buzzing questions, except this time, they were stronger and the consequences seemed a lot more dire.

'What if they just laugh at me?'
'What if they beat me up?'
'What if they publicly humiliate me?'

And unlike the other questions, none of these seemed to be way overboard. All of them seemed to be perfectly legit. More than once I felt like turning away, pretending nothing was the matter, but I knew that if I didn't tell them, then I would just be living a life of 'What ifs?'. And despite everything, I knew that was a life I did not want to live.

I started with my close mates. I sat them down and told them exactly what I had told my parents. That I'm gay, there's not a lot more you can say really. At first, they both laughed, until they realised I wasn't joking.

Their faces fell as they both instantly understood the seriousness of the situation. There was an awkward silence. An incredibly awkward silence. I told them that nothing was going to change, but even as the words fell from my mouth, I knew they weren't true. They both nodded, and agreed that whatever happened they would be there for me.

Usually, in any other situation, my friends saying that they were there for me just seemed like something they had to say. Of course, as friends, they should always be there. But this time it was different. It was as if they new exactly what this was going to entail, and they sincerely meant the words they spoke. Some kind of, verbal contract that they were never going to break. I thanked every single lucky star that I never knew I had. But that was just the beginning.

I knew that coming out to my friends and family was a good start, but sooner or later, the world was going to have to know about it. As I said before, I couldn't live this lie forever. It's just something I did not want to do.

I didn't publicly announce it, make billboard posters and websites regarding the situation, but I didn't lie about it. If anyone asked me, I told them the entire truth, that I was gay, despite the heart wrenching feeling of worry I got every time I did.

And I'm not going to try and make this out to be a happy story, that everyone accepted me for who I am. That only happens in films. Of course, there are people that laughed at me, called me names, even death threats, but I've learned to live with it. The thing is, throughout all of this, I came to learn about myself, and learn to be comfortable with me, something that many others have great difficulty with.

So, coming out. Out of the closet, admitting the truth, finding out about yourself, whatever way you want to put it, it's admitting that your gay, and it's probably the most intelligent thing I've ever done in my life. My mum was right. I'm on a journey, and any journey has different phases. I guess the beginning of my journey is over, and I'm ready to rest up at the checkpoint and get ready tackle any phase that dares to rear its head.