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The Surrealism Effect

Scene1: 4 teens huddled on a corner outside school gates.

Kelly: I dun' think she's cumin'
Fran: Just wait a bit longer you impatient sprog.
Kelly: Rap up Fran.
Mark: (looking at watch) The bell's gunna go.
Linda: Hi peoples.
Fran: Where the shaman's turban have you been!
James: We've been waiting for ages!
Linda: I came through the front gates! And anyway, I picked up a copy of our newsletter from Miss J (shows copy, banner heading reading 'The Blackwood Tell Tale' with pictures of the five students). It looks really professional doesn't it?
Kelly: Professional! We all look orange!
Linda: That's just bad lighting.
Fran: And isn't that book review written in crayon?
Linda: It's just a demo! It'll be fine after a few little tweaks.
James: And you've spelt my name wrong too, look (points) 'James CUDDLY'! My name is Curdly!
Linda: Well if you helped me a bit more maybe those things would have been corrected. Just help me next time.
Mark: I tried but you shouted at me and told me to get out from under your feet!
James: You bit me when I tried to correct your spellings! Linda, I think you have control freak issues.
Linda: HIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAA! (karate chops James in the stomach)
Kelly: (all back away) Ok, Ok calm down, no need to get angry.

Scene 2: classroom, 5 teens sitting round desk, eating lunch.

Fran: Right, what stories have we got so far? (Room stays completely silent). Nothing?
O come on, there must be something! Parents evening? (Nothing) Concerts? New after schools clubs? Alien invasion of the science labs? (Gets odd looks) Sorry.
James: What about your book review Mark?
Mark: Yeh, about that'
Kelly: Mark!
Mark: I fell asleep, I mean 'Pride and Prejudice' I bet none of you could read that!
Fran: I read it! Four times!
Mark: Rap up Fran.
Linda: What about the gossip column?
Kelly: Well I did want to write about the new rule, you know, having your tie done up completely (Shows example and makes swotty face) but Miss J didn't like my angle.
Fran: You swore your feet off didn't you?
Kelly: Yes.
Linda: That's brilliant, just brilliant (sarcastic)! What are we going to do now!

Kelly: We could just make it up?
Fran: What? That's completely immoral, it's corrupt, it's stupid, it's ' it's ' worth a try, where's the file paper?

Scene 3: School yard, 5 teens cluttered round bench.

Mark: Not bad.
James: Not exactly plausible though is it?
Kelly: The front page is eye catching though isn't it?
Fran: What, the 'Teacher acquires bird flu after eating chicken found in bin' or the 'American election shock winner- Jeremy Clarkson'?
Linda: Miss J is gunna kill us.
Kelly: yeh, but there selling like heroin in the white house.
Mark: I still prefer this one (turns page) 'New alternative to fox hunting for upper class families- Chav hunting'.
James: Pity we didn't have a photo for that last one.
Fran: I'll make one on Photoshop for you.
Linda: Miss J alert, Miss J alert.
Mark: Scatter! (everyone runs for it)

Scene 4: Classroom, Miss J sitting at desk marking books. Teens sitting at desk, all whisper, writing lines. On the board is written 'I must not tell entertaining lies'.

Close-up: Mark's book, written 'I must not tell entertaining lies (but does that mean I can tell boring ones?)'
Kelly: I really think this unfair, it's not our fault there wasn't any news.
Fran: But the gossip column did say that Miss Kirksin was 103, I think that might be classed as offensive, don't you?
James: Do you think the newsletter will be discontinued?
Mark: Are you joking? We sold over 100 copies! The teachers are still trying to confiscate them all, but everyone's hiding them.
James: Well I suppose next time we have to do true stories, but it'll never sell as many.
Linda: There's the Christmas concert on next week so at least that's something.
Miss J: (Loudly) Right, I think that's detention over. Now, I don't want to see anything of this sought again, and if you can't take this seriously we'll let someone else do it.

Scene 5: Classroom at lunchtime, teens sitting round table.

Linda: OK, we've done the school concert, banning people from eating outside the canteen and our book review on 'Cabbages through the ages'.
Mark: It's utter bilge isn't it? (Agreement from everyone)
Linda: Well we could add that bit about that Christian assembly?
James: Could be viewed as offensive.
Linda: How?
James: I'm not sure but my book on political correctness says even mentioning religion is technically offensive. (Makes 'o well' face)
Fran: What else can we put in it then? To give it some shazam?
Kelly: I did have one idea'
Fran: here it comes!
James: O no'
Kelly: Well we could act out some news?
Fran: Are you suggesting we become wandering players?
Kelly: I was thinking that we could play a trick on Mr Craig and put it in the gossip column.
Mark: Kelly?
Kelly: Yes?
Mark: You're an idiot.
James: You know, that might just work'
Fran: No, this time I'm putting my foot down, we can't, and they'll stop the newsletter!
Linda: Rap up Fran. (Fran sits back in chair looking annoyed)
Mark: Ok, who's doing the actual prank?
James: Me and you (to Mark)
Mark: Ok, when?
James: Break time tomorrow. Now, Linda, you'll have to be there to right down the details, and we'll need a pretext'
Fran: No, stop this right now; we are not playing a trick on someone who's done nothing! What about your conscience! (Mark hits in face with book)
Mark: Everyone's conscience sorted out?
Everyone: Yep

Scene 6: // Fran sitting at end of table with swollen nose looking grumpy.

Linda: that's everything. All we have to do is run it past Miss J, and then we can sell it.
James: I think we might sell even more copies.
Kelly: Brilliant idea wasn't it? And we all got away before any teachers noticed. It was great seeing Mr Craig covered in custard.
Mark: You did blur our faces in the pictures didn't you Fran, so no-one knew it was us?
Fran: Yeh, here's the prototype. (Sling it across looking annoyed)
James: We look really cool don't we? (Looking at picture)
Mark: Looks really good, and the article is really funny.
Linda: Shall I give it to Miss J?
Fran: (suddenly) No, don't worry I'll do it. (Takes newsletter, looks devious)

Scene 7: School at break time. All girls.

Linda: Where are James and Mark?
Kelly: They where in registration?
Fran: Yeh, Mr Craig pulled them out of Welsh. Gave them a killin'. I think they're in detention.
Linda: I got a copy of the newsletter if anyone wants to see it? Let's look at 'Mr Craig's Surprise'. (Girls laugh, Fran laughs a little more knowingly)
Kelly: O sweet Lord! Why isn't it blurred! Why is James' face contorted? The eyes are bulging!
Linda: And Mark's mouth is huge'
Fran: Wasn't .I.C.T. great the other day when we learned to edit things with photo shop?
Linda & Kelly: Fran!
Fran: Rap up girls.