How can I build my child's confidence and resilience? - The Super Tutors

Award-winning confidence coach Natalie Costa, also known as ‘The Child Whisperer smiling

When children say they ‘can’t’ or ‘won't’ do something, it’s not necessarily because they don’t want to. Like adults, they can lack confidence and find situations overwhelming which can make them put barriers up.

A 'growth mindset' is knowing that you can train your brain to get smarter, to learn new skills and to get better at doing something that you may initially find difficult to do. It’s also about believing that through effort, hard work and practice you can improve, grow and learn.

Natalie Costa aka ‘The Child Whisperer’, shares her top tips to help you help your kids develop a ‘growth mindset’ and ways to reframe words and phrases to help get the right message across to your children.

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4 tips to help manage your child's emotions

Shift their perspective

To develop a growth mindset, it’s important to help your children shift their perspective.

Instead of seeing mistakes as a reflection of self-worth or as a sign that they can’t do something, help them see that it’s an opportunity to grow and learn. Understanding how the brain works can help children to shift perspective. Explain to them that their brain is like a muscle. When something feels hard, like solving a maths problem, or learning a new gymnastics routine, they are giving their brain the exercise it needs to grow and learn.   When we make mistakes or do things that feel difficult, that’s not a sign that we can’t do something, it’s actually our brain getting a really good workout and eventually we’ll improve and learn new skills!

Reframe questions

Another way to build resilience and tap into a growth mindset is to reframe the questions we use - especially when things feel hard.   If your children say things like “Why me?” or “Why can’t I do this?” this keeps them stuck in a closed mindset. Help them to ask open questions, or what we can refer to as ‘power questions’.  Power questions such as, “What can I do differently next time?” or “What have I learned from this mistake?” will help them to shift their perspective. Instead of feeling stuck, they'll begin to search for solutions, look for new opportunities and find the ‘learning moments’ within their challenges.

Remember previous challenges

Help your child remember previous challenges they’ve faced that they have overcome or times they have made a mistake but were able to get it right in the end.   Sentences like “I know this is hard for you right now but when we tried…and you…” will help them to feel understood and also remind them that they have the power to overcome challenges.

It's okay to make mistakes

Finally, consider how you respond when you make mistakes.   It can be challenging for us as adults to change our perspectives because we might have had different experiences growing up. Remember to be kind to yourself as we’re also learning these skills and new habits alongside our children.   Cultivating a growth mindset and helping your child develop their resilience takes some time but each mistake or challenge is just another opportunity to grow and learn!  Be transparent and show your children that it’s okay to make mistakes even when things feel hard or challenging. You can even use the Power Questions to show how you are moving forward - or even better, ask your child to remind you of what questions you can ask yourself instead!

Activities to try at home

'My learning treasure chest'

Print or draw a treasure chest on paper.   Talk with your child about some mistakes they’ve made in the past or some challenges they have faced and what they have learned from their experiences.   These ‘lessons’ can be represented as jewels that they draw, colour and add to their treasure chest poster which they can then stick up on their wall. As your child grows, faces new challenges and learns new things, they can keep adding to the treasure chest.   Having this treasure chest poster as a visual representation helps remind them that they are always learning and growing and it shifts their perspective so they begin to see their mistakes and challenges as learning opportunities (jewels) which will help them grow!

Exercise your brain

Identify an area that your child would like to improve in - for example, ‘get better at riding my bike’, ‘be able to recite the seven times table by heart’, or ‘improve a dance routine’.   Brainstorm some practical steps that your child can take each day to help them ‘grow their brain’ in this area.   If the goal is to get better at riding a bike for example, the steps might be to ‘practice riding my bike everyday’, ‘look up instead of looking at my feet’ or ‘pedal faster’.   Draw a visual chart to represent the steps. The steps can be represented by drawing a series of brains with each step written in.   As each step is completed your child can colour in the brain to track their progress.   If it feels hard or they make a mistake, remind them that they are growing their brain and making it stronger through each step. Help them reflect on how much they are growing and how far they have come.