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Knowing how to deal with extremes in your child’s actions and attitudes isn’t easy. Some of the young people taking part in Idris Elba’s Fight School have been there: exhibiting the kind of behaviour that can leave parents feeling helpless. But, unwilling to let their lives be defined by their past actions, this group are determined to move on and leave those times behind them.

Sport is what helped Idris though hard times as he was growing up and he thinks it can help them too, so he’s acting as mentor through an intense boxing training programme.

“As a young man growing up in the inner city, life wasn’t always easy. I was at a crossroads and this community centre partly helped me find my way to become who I am today. It was here where I learnt to kick box and that’s what kept me on the straight and narrow.”

Idris Elba

During the process and making of the series, counsellor, author and life coach Aisha Gordon-Hiles regularly coached each of the fighters-in-training, helping them address their past actions and encouraging them to make positive plans for their futures.

Aisha spoke to the Parents' Toolkit about how parents can understand and support their child if they are showing difficult behaviours or attitudes.

She breaks down the best way to avoid rows, with tips on how to start productive conversations and for the times when things can feel unmanageable, she’s got advice on how you can help yourself find a way through and make sure you’re coping too.

How far is too far?

Young people and teenagers are going through a lot emotionally.

“They’re trying to fly from the nest but they’re also dealing with raging hormones and the emotional and mental consequences of that,” says Aisha. “I think it can be really difficult to note what is 'normal' teenage difficult behaviour, and what is something to be concerned about.”

All families are different, with different norms and values which their child might challenge.

This is usual, but Aisha believes there are some signs that parents can spot which indicate that behaviour is potentially becoming extreme…

• It isn’t a one-off and is becoming part of their day-to-day life

• It is becoming worse or more intense as time goes on

• Your child cannot comprehend why their behaviour is challenging

Extreme behaviour might also be shown through self-harming, or extreme weight loss or gain – take a look through the Parents' Toolkit mental health first aid kit for further support in these instances.

Taking a step back

When someone is angry or upset, it can be tricky to speak to them without starting an argument.

“It's hard to stay calm when you are worried”, Aisha says, but if your child is engaging in difficult behaviour and you address this with anger, she advises, “it’s often like fighting fire with fire.”

The difficult behaviour that you’re seeing likely isn’t the whole story. Aisha says, "There’s so much more going on, but when you're presented with the tip of the iceberg - which is the anger, it can be difficult if you're only focusing on that."

“Often with things like anger, underneath the surface of that you’ve got worry, insecurity, frustration, feelings of being ignored, not feeling in control of their body or mind.”

Think about how you might start a productive conversation - one way Aisha suggests phrasing things is, “I noticed that you seemed to be acting different this week, is everything okay?”

Who's perfect?

From her experience talking with young people, Aisha has learnt that being honest about your own flaws and experiences can make you, as a parent, seem more approachable. “A lot of children and young people really struggle because they say, 'well, my mum or dad doesn't make any mistakes, my mum or dad never gets upset'.”

She says this can make it difficult for them to know how to act when they make a mistake or feel upset. “Show them that you are not perfect and can relate to where they are coming from.”

And don’t forget to look out for the positives, “Make sure that you're letting them know when you see something really nice in their behaviour.”

Know your limits

While it can be productive to speak to your child about their emotions, for Aisha it’s important parents realise they can’t be a full-time therapist to their child and a parent. "I don't think it is always a good idea to encourage your child to tell you everything they are feeling - the reason being, it’s going to be tough to hear what they’re going through and a challenge to not blame yourself. You’re a human and have emotional needs too.”

She adds that boundaries are a key part of counselling and life coaching and are useful in parenting too. “I think it's important as a parent to know your limits, and be honest with your child. I love you. I care about you. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing here and I'd like to get you support from somebody who I think does.”

Are there other adults in your child’s life who they might feel more open with? “These could be teachers, youth workers, family members - responsible adults that they can speak to. Normalise talking about your emotions by having conversations about yours with friends or other family members and letting your child know about these conversations.”

Fizzy drinks

We all have emotions and need ways to process them, something Aisha has a metaphor she uses to explain. “I like to think of teenagers as bottles of fizzy drink that've been dropped on the floor - the pressure is really intense. In order to open it you’re going to have to tap the top, you’re going to have to slowly, slowly open it or it’ll explode.”

Gentle encouragement to try different activities can help your child find a release. For Idris, this was kickboxing. But everyone is different and Aisha has lots of suggestions that not only include sports and exercise, but also dance, music and other artistic activities. Meditation or journaling can help too.

At 22 years old I could have gone many different ways. I chose to be an actor, but I chose sports to keep me focused and fighting was it. I needed something to help me anchor my life.

Idris Elba

Considering neurodiversity

In some cases, Aisha says that difficult behaviour could be a sign of neurodiversity. “Learning difficulties can increase the likelihood of difficult behaviours. If you are concerned, my advice would be to speak to your child's school/educational establishment and see what their thoughts are.”

As a parent, you’re probably not qualified to diagnose your child yourself - Aisha has advice on how you can let them be the one who takes the lead. “There’s no point in turning around and saying to them, 'you’ve got this or that'. It feels persecutory and judgmental. I would suggest doing research around the symptoms you think they’re displaying then having a conversation with them about those symptoms and if they’ve noticed them too. You can then gently explain that these are symptoms of neurodiversity and what this means.”

She says you could suggest that together you speak to their GP. “I think that there's somebody that we could go and talk to about these things that you're experiencing, there’s support out there that you don't have.”

Feeling overwhelmed as a parent

If you get to the point when you feel you can’t cope with the extent to your child’s behaviour, Aisha has suggestions of what you can do.

“I think a really important part of being a parent and dealing with some of these difficulties is creating a network around you, speaking with family and friends.”

There may also be parent support networks online or even locally and, if things are getting too much, you can always speak with your own GP.

Idris Elba's Fight School

Aisha believes that the process on the show - the training and life coaching - had a massive positive impact on everyone in the documentary. "Having someone there that had unwavering faith and belief in what they were doing was so invaluable to all of them.”

It’s something parents can learn from. “For young people one of the key things I've seen is when they have people in their lives that believe in them and hold that faith for them - even when they don't have it themselves - what they can achieve is incredible.”

The full series of Idris Elba's Fight School is available to watch on ���˿��� iPlayer.

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